Most of us feel awkward when we attempt to console a family or person who are, or has recently dealt with a death. Here, I offer a compilation of some advice I have accumulated over the last few months.
A close friend's father had shifted careers in his early 40s from coaching/teaching in public schools to ministering in small, rural churches for a main-line denomination.
From this teacher/coach/minister came this advice to those who want to console family, yet treat them with respect:
1. Offer a firm handshake, and, if needed, place the second hand over the clasped hands - not tight, but firm.
Or, place a soft hand on the shoulder for a moment.
2. THEN, ask how things are going. and LISTEN; actively. Respond to show the person that (s)he is being understood. Most people just want to be heard.
From another source to those who are in the throes of agony over a death:
Be quite selective with whom you share your agony. Most people just want to offer condolences, and don't know how to do so. So (s)he is awkward, stumbly, and just wants to get it over with. Let them; be gracious, and don't feel obligated to continue the conversation. A simple 'thank you,' and, if offered a hug, maybe stick out a hand for a quick hand-shake. Look at watch, and say a simple, 'Well, I gotta move on."
Advice from an old family in the community:
"Though someone has died, the cows still have to be milked, and the chickens have to be fed."
That statement does NOT reflect a crass attitude; it mirrors reality. We survive, and eventually move on.
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