I found an excellent article on death of a child, and on grieving in Issue # 688 of Vanity Fair, beginning on page 113. Joe Biden talks about the death of his son Beau, lost to cancer.
A brief quote - page 118:
" . . the second year (after a death) is harder than the first. That's a fact. Anybody who's gone through serious tragedy, the first year, there are so many people around you propping you up. But after a year, your family, your close friends - I mean it's normal, they've got to get back to their lives. But then the reality of it sets in, in a profound way."
I am beginning my fourth year of grieving. Sometimes, I do well; sometimes I still tear up so much that I cannot see.
I wonder if I may have depended too much on her for my identity; moving to her home place; attending her home church; associating with her family, neighbors. acquaintances on a daily-weekly basis. When she was no longer around, the local folk quickly moved on. I have not. Still.
Widder Pappy's Observation Post
Death of mate Via Breast Cancer; Surviving Cancer Consequences; Hospital and Nursing Home Observations; Quotes,Quips and Wisecracks
Touchstone
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
Grieving after Death, What to Expect after the death of a loved one
I found the best description of grieving I have read in a while in Michelle Obama's autobiography, "Becoming", beginning in Chapter 11.
"It hurts to live after someone has died. It just does. It can hurt to walk down a hallway or open the fridge. It hurst to put on a pair of socks, to brush your teeth. Food tastes like nothing. Colors go flat. Music hurts, and so do memories. You look at something you'd otherwise find beautiful - a purple sky at sunset or a playground full of kids - and it only somehow deepens the loss. Grief is so lonely this way."
"(My brother and I argued over our father's casket choices.) We were yelling for reasons that had nothing to do with the actual argument. Neither of us was invested in the outcome.
We were having an absurd and inappropriate argument because in the wake of death every single thing on earth feels absurd and inappropriate."
"It hurts to live after someone has died. It just does. It can hurt to walk down a hallway or open the fridge. It hurst to put on a pair of socks, to brush your teeth. Food tastes like nothing. Colors go flat. Music hurts, and so do memories. You look at something you'd otherwise find beautiful - a purple sky at sunset or a playground full of kids - and it only somehow deepens the loss. Grief is so lonely this way."
"(My brother and I argued over our father's casket choices.) We were yelling for reasons that had nothing to do with the actual argument. Neither of us was invested in the outcome.
We were having an absurd and inappropriate argument because in the wake of death every single thing on earth feels absurd and inappropriate."
Friday, December 21, 2018
After Shocks Still Reverberate over Death; Death of Mate; Breast Cancer Consequences; How We Cope with Cancer Death
Over Eight Hundred Days have passed since Wife died - suddenly - without warning - though we had lived with stage-four cancer for two years by that time. Yet, she died too soon . . have I stated that before? Just in case, I'll repeat; SHE died too soon.
The song "Just when I needed you most" reaps tears; "Too Old To Die Young" spins in my song cradle, and chokes my breathing passages.
I share a couple of messages that have been shared on Facebook recently, referring to those of us who still mourn. I will share two.
I am still struggling along with the sentiments of the first one, but have not yet arrived at the place suggested by the first one. But perhaps I could suppose that I am moving on past the pain. I at least, most days, manage to hold down the crying to once per day.
The song "Just when I needed you most" reaps tears; "Too Old To Die Young" spins in my song cradle, and chokes my breathing passages.
I share a couple of messages that have been shared on Facebook recently, referring to those of us who still mourn. I will share two.
I am still struggling along with the sentiments of the first one, but have not yet arrived at the place suggested by the first one. But perhaps I could suppose that I am moving on past the pain. I at least, most days, manage to hold down the crying to once per day.
Thursday, September 27, 2018
Two Years in Mourning; Rememberances of Loved One; Cancer Continues to Rob; Life After the Loss of a Mate
Sara Evans sings, “There’s no place that far”. She is
incorrect, for there IS a place too far – for me, at least at this time. Wife
died over two years ago, and I miss her every day. For a year – no, more (this week?) - I found
(find) myself contemplating ways to join her. Members of my family keet telling
me that I need to stay. Perhaps they are starting to make sense; perhaps not.
What do I miss about Wife? Let me count. No, there are too
many. I miss her. Period. I keep seeing pictures of her from her childhood;
teen years, school years; professional career; as an aunt, sister, parent; grandparent. Posing; just natural; smiling; solemn; in pain.
Natural hair; wig; scarf; hat. (Seven years of chemotherapy will do that.)
Perhaps she had to go. I’ve been told so. But, somewhere,
deep inside, I continue to believe that there had to be a way she could have
stayed.
But, I plan to keep slogging through the days, the weeks, and now,
the years, until I find that far place. Perhaps she will remember me, and will be
the first to greet me when I cross that river. I can hope, can I not?
Friday, April 27, 2018
A friend posted this. I cannot equal this post. Read, and enjoy, or weep.
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/the-secret-life-of-grief/281992/?utm_source=atlfb
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/the-secret-life-of-grief/281992/?utm_source=atlfb
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Dealing with Death After 500 Days
Though Wife has been dead and buried (remember, no
euphemisms) for well over 500 days now, she is still claiming visiting rights. (She rode with me the first time I returned home
after she had died, and has visited me often since, both as a spirit that I
could feel, and as a director of, and actor in my dreams.
Recently, she began bombarding me with pointed dreams – informing
me that; no matter what path I choose, I will ultimately reach the same
destination; explaining that I should be more cat-personality, rather than dog
personality; telling me that I need to divorce myself from life-binding
responsibilities and organizations that are no longer relevant to me; that I
must prepare to be reborn.
NONE of those dreams
seem relevant to me – yet. I cannot fathom such a sea-change. AND, I am not
ready to release Wife, which, I fear, is her ultimate goal. Her leaving would
devastate me, for I have nothing nor no one who can even remotely replace her.
Now, here I sit, contemplating whether to tackle
implementing her suggestions and risk losing her in the process, or to continue
to be imprisoned in the past. What is a person to do?
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Why Do We Use Euphemisms For Death in Obituaries and Conversation?
Why Do We Use Euphemisms for Death in Obituaries and Conversation?
Crossing over; passed; passed away; passed over; gone to
heaven; left us; lost his(her) life; resting in peace; asleep in Jesus; bit the dust; called home; deceased; departed; expired; gathered to (his) her people; gone to meet his (her) maker - reward; joined the last roundup; in repose; is resting six feet under; succumbed; turned up his (her) toes; yielded up the ghost:
The use of euphemisms is supposed to ease our pain. But,
just for the absurd fun of it, let’s examine a few – at face value.
“lost his (her) life;” can someone find it for him
(her)? We have finders.
“Crossed over”; crossed over what? A creek? A river? A lake?
A cloud? Can’t they just cross back?
“left us;” doesn’t someone in the house do that at last
once a day? Does that imply that the leaver
will return? Hmm.
“resting in
peace;” How do we know that someone
finds peace after dying? Have we talked to
someone to know? Hmm some more.
“Called
home;” by someone via the telephone, cell phone, or
land line? Or by facebook, skype, or
email?
Did someone answer his (her) call, or did the person just hang up? Interesting.
“expired;” Well, things generally get thrown out after
they expire. Just saying.
“Passed over;” That
promotion just did not come through, I guess? Is she (he) pouting?
““joined the last roundup;” Did
she (he) sell the herd? Or did he(she) keep a few cows around?
“Succumbed;” temptation is much too great?
Well, enough word play. Fancy word games, in my opinion, do
nothing but confuse those who want to know where is their
mom-dad-brother-grandpa-grandma, only to look inside the box, and, after
hearing the explanation, ask, “Then, why
is (he) she stuck in that box looking like he (she) is dead?” What do we say then?
I believe in truth in advertising; saying what I mean. Wife
is dead. She will not return to me. As she was dying, she told us that she would
meet her parents and beloved grandmother four days later. She was adamant about
the date. I believe she did just that – not by passing away, or resting in
peace, or by being called home, but by dying.
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